beyond fear..

This girl wants to talk to me about the last project. And the current one. I have no clue what she will ask and what I must study. Even if I give a few hours to this, I am not sure I would be of much help to her. I can't pray to Bhagwan, as it was my own mistake in not keeping the track of what was going on in class...I've to leave in a few minutes and I'm just going to get crucified. I can't think much, just that I hope it gets over soon. As if it was an operation. But, I still wish I come out of it alive. Please God help me. This one more time, please please please please. I'm just relying on you Ma, you please save me. I know I should not ask You, and should have done some studying myself, but well, here I am again, begging.

Help me Amma.
12:50pm

Huh...I went and was waiting for her to turn up. She came late, about 11 mins late, when I had almost congratulated myself and written a mail to her saying I had waited and left. I had been praying all the while, before I went I had put vibhuti, the one that He has blessed..:)
It all worked for me. For the nth time in life, He saved me. She had a few questions I answered and a few that I did not know, asked Mainak and mailed her back. Man! I was so scared but did not want to show anyone, just wanted to avoid it and run away badly. It's over! God! What an escape! I'm thankful to the core.

Love You tonnes,
My Cutie Pie!

It's my Lord's birthday! :)

My dearest Lord,

Wish you a very very Happy Birthday!!!!

You give me everything I desire for, You surprise me with gifts I never demanded for, You are the provider, You the provided, What can I give You, when all is already Yours. Nothing, absolutely nothing, except may be my thoughts, my words, my actions, my desires, which are essentially Yours, but if I say I give them to You, they might be purified.

I love You tonnes, and have nothing to ask for, For you will give me the unasked, the undesired and still the best. Take care of mom and dad, and my brother, and my friends. May we all be nice people You can be proud to call Your own.

Want to hug you.....
love you lots,
isha

not meant to be?

Somethings in life are just not meant to get associated..they can co-exist, yes, but they just can NOT be together. There are trees that can't co-exist, one would drain away the minerals from earth leading the other to die..there are food stuffs and drinks that just can't be taken together. And then there are people.....

People who are on their own excellent beings, great friends and harmless individuals, but still when they come into each other's vicinity, they repel. Not just repel, the reaction is a strong exothermic one, like one that occurs when sodium and water react. BLAST!! The result would be the same..everytime..you can't expect sodium to dissolve in water..you just know they don't go together. People can be different someone argues..that they have brains and emotions and they adapt. That when we live in a society, it's not about individual properties, but about co-existing, and people do change over time. Sodium for example will never know what falling in love is..and love is something which when happens, makes all logic and reasonings sound dumb. It's beyond explanation, beyond arguments of why and how..it's to be felt and experienced. So may be what is sodium today will become salt tomorrow..to be ready to get mixed in water.

papers and more papers

I don't know where I am going. I look more clueless than anyone else around. And, I have a two yr working exp, if I may say, in Networking. I should then ideally stick to this area and not bother about what my intuition says at times. But, not only intuition, it's also my lack of confidence on any area that is making me wonder that may be I am in the wrong place. May be I don't belong here. Then the logical part of my mind, and my mom's taped discourses from my head, and more on phone, say that I can do it. There's nothing that I won't be able to do with Lord's support all along. (I can actually write more than half a dozen papers on my mom's motivating lectures)

I go to this thesis defense and the guy has more than 35 papers to his credit already and 10 under review!!!!! That too in 3.5 yrs!!!! What kinda average is that?! I mean he has published more than a paper a month!!!!!! Look at me here! And people say you shouldn't compare with others in grad school!!! Such people are there to motivate and inspire others. I'm like awestruck! He's smart I know, but this is a genius's work! I want to go upto that level one day. I may not be able to finish my PhD and MS in 4 yrs and I may not be able to publish those many papers in my grad life but I want to try do something that can make a new grad student look upto me and wanna be like me one fine day.

As fall sets, and leaves get all colored
I can't help but wonder
How in it's last inning of life
The tree still has so much to offer

It can bring a smile on any face
It can light up anyone's day
They are a reason in themselves
To smile and be gay

Does the tree have no fear?
Of nearing it's end
Isn't it nervous! Isn't it aware!
Of what's coming next!

May be it just has a different outlook
Not it's last season, it is its last chance
Last chance to spread love, to spread smiles
To make this world more beautiful, for every glance.

He left hints everywhere, to make me understand
The importance of giving, of loving, of sacrificing
I see Him through the leaves, smiling
Hoping I be what He wants me to be.

Looking Inside again....

I am not sure if I should do this introspection here, on the blog, or not. So, I might erase it soon. Anyway, I want to admit my mistakes. Well, not just mistakes, but real insensitive remarks I made against people who had been very helpful. I did something I would not want anyone to do to me. I am guilty and regretful. But, I can't go and apologize. I only have to make sure I do not do this in future, cause words hurt more than swords and esp. when coming from someone you thought was a friend. It feels you were cheated all along.

I was not very close to these people, but then they really helped me a lot initially. Just feeling that gratitude I should have restrained myself from saying anything against him. I mean, I will not go into what I said was right or wrong, but I should have had some firewall. I can't let all data that is generated in mind pass through my lips without any filter! When the same thing happened with me, I felt like crying. And, I felt horrible, sad and yes cheated. I felt in the disguise of a friend I had been talking to a monster all along. Well, when I did that, he must've felt the same. So, I just got what I myself had passed along as the token.

It;s only fair I would say that I was insulted the way I was. I'm not going into the severity of what I said and what I was told, but in essence, it's the same thing. God wants me to learn a lesson here. And, if I do not stop for a second and pay thought to it, I can keep repeating the same thing. I'm not a teenager! I'm a 24 yr old girl, who knows how life is led, who can manage a lot of things herself, then why can't she manage her words! Why can't she keep a hold on that tongue? It's worse than any other weapon. I just have to realize this.

Thanks God, for teaching me a lesson. I will keep in mind that You only wanted me to learn something here. I do not think lowly of that guy who was made instrumental in giving me something that I deserved. I do not hold anything against him, I will try not to I mean.

Love to my Lord,
Isha

Everyday a miracle....

I'm just overwhelmed to see His love. How I go through each day is a miracle in itself..I've had totally unknown persons come and offer academic help, and that even made me wonder if it was an angel and would disappear after taking me out of the $#!t holding me by hand all along.
It's nothing less than a miracle that I'm still sane and surviving with my TA job. It was completely maddening when I came to know I was TAing for 3574. Oh! What a course! An EE graduate being asked to go on a QT war, totally unarmed! But just small beautiful things keep happening and I'm totally awestruck. I have this thing to read for HW4, cause it is due tomorrow, and the professor said I should expect a lot of them today during my office hours. I just had an idea someone could have already submitted the HW, and lo and behold! there was a HW already there waiting for me to come and have a look at it! I mean I've never seen a submission 2 days before the due date in this course! What should I call it if not His miracle, His love?
I'm so so grateful Ma, thank You tonnes.
Love You lots. :)

Bridging...

Ok I'm now at Virginia Tech persuing my grad studies..
Well there was a lot I should have written before, funny incedents..weird episodes..accidents...discoveries...but I did not do that then..and now I'm short of time to fill it up..so I'll just procrastinate this for the time being...will come to it when I have more time on hands...
As of now, I wanna write about the present challenges that I'm facing..challenges and othr things as well...why is everything happening at the same time! I can not enjoy it fully and I can't give all my attention to my work....ufff!
But, I'm loving each moment of it..Thanks to my dear Baba, I feel totally protected and being taken care of. Love You..

world coming to an end....

Well there are many things that have made me think seriously about this. The world is coming to an end. I read about it and heard from some peole that within 15 yrs the world will come to an end.

Swami will be here for another 15 yrs, physically. And, He has come to start Sathya Yuga again. So, the world is not coming to an end but the Kali age is sure gonno come to an end in the next fifteen yrs. I am sure I will see more than I can imagine at this time. I will live to see the Sathya Yuga starting after fifteen yrs. I will live to see the bad people repenting, coming in Sai fold, dying if they do not accept and acknowledge God's presence. I am sure I will be an eye witness to the end of Kali and embarkment of Sathya age.

I wonder what role I will play in the next age, in Sai's mission. Will I be of any use to Him? If not, my life isn't worth a penny. For, I've been in His fold since I was 2, and if still He doesn't choose me to be of service, this life is hopeless and useless. And the useless will come to an end in 15 yrs. But how can I be useless? God has incarnated to make us come to Him. He definitely loves me and cares for my upliftment. When Lord Krishna has Himself descended on this land, where is the need fo me to think what will become of me? He is there to take care of me and all my worries. I am His child. He will give me something to do I am sure. If it were not for His will, I would never have even thought so far. He is the cause, He is the thought and He Himself is the solution.

Swami, I am ready, for all the tests that You have in store for me. Please bless me and allow me to pass them all and be of service to You. I love You Ma.

Jahan nahi chainaa....vahan nahi rehnaa

Not really dukhi mann mere...but yes sun mera kehna...jahan nahi chaina..vahan nahi rehna
I resigned yesterday. Without any admits in hand yet. Without any other backup obviously. No, I have not quit yet. I get relieved three months from the day my resignation is approved. So, it actually is a long time.

Just that I let the bird in hand fly off, and will now wait for others in the bush. :)
Simply putting, even in worst case, when I do not get aid and do not go to US for studies, I will switch, may be in a real hurry. Whatever be the case, I guess even the worst will be better than coming to office daily and doing nothing. Nothing, that's exactly what I have been doing since last one month, no let me not lie here, since last 7 weeks or may be more. So, in a nutshell, if I am rusting, I should get the taste of the real world. I must struggle, I must fight to survive. That is what life is all about. Challenges and risks. And, I just accepted one. After a long time though.

It's been more than 20 months when I joined this firm. And, obviously I did not join to chat and orkutting all the 6 hours I am in front of the PC. The rest I spend by eating, chatting, drinking tea, frequent trips to the loo and using the office free local telephone. That's what I have been doing lately. And, I don't think I actually need to increase my typing skills by practicing chatting with four friends at a time. Nor do I need to know about every ones life by poking my nose in their scrap books and making up stories as to what might have happened actually which made them write those scraps. I did not do my graduation to excel in these skills. These I already had. And my company is just not making me what I am not and want to be.

I always thought I did not have a dream. That there were people who knew what they want from life, but I did not. I was wrong. I know what I want. Thanks to the company I am in, i know I do not wanna chat all my life. I do not wanna see orkut's blue page all through the day. I want to work. I want to use my grey cells. I want to live a meaningful and challenging life, rather than a slow, monotonous and easily earned one. It is so good to know that I had a dream all along. Now, having resigned makes me feel so strong and bold. I am not afraid of what may happen. I am just ready to take the risk. Risk that I have to take for my dreams to come true. This is definitely a small price.

Dreams do not come free
They charge you, your comforts your sleep
If it is what you want,
Be ready to face it all
Pack the luxuries and inertia, these you should not keep
Only let your confidence and hardwork accompany you
On this journey, and be what you want to be.

You have one life, ypou have one chance
You have this once, to prove yourself
Go, reach out, shoot
Put back all fears on shelf
Failure tastes better than regret.
Move it, whatever you dream you definitely shall get

rim jhim rim jhim

wow....rains always do sth to me...
I was half in depression after the news of my batch mates promotion was brought up again by a friend and half in frustration with my own job today. I could do anything but concentrate. All of a sudden when I get up, I see this fantastically hued sky...orange red pink....awesome and by the time I have a cup of tea in my hands, I see its raining blissfully. AAh......its wonderful.......
Its amazing how rain washes away all the dirt, how it has a purifying effect on even me. It certainly gave me time to enjoy it fully....had I been very busy I would have missed it. It showed me the brighter part of my situation. Given a choice between sitting at computer and looking out of the window, I would never want that my choice should be the former.
rim jhim rim jhim
rum jhum rum jhum.....
wow evthing looks sooo enrapturingly beautiful :)

betrayed!

The world looked so promising
The people so happy and loving
I'd started planning my life
The ways I could bring evone a smile

Oh I couldn't wait to look in your eyes
God's form on earth, my dear mother
I couldn't wait to be in your safe strong arms
I hope I look like you mother

God sent me saying He had two angels
Waiting eagerly to receive me
You both couldn't wait, He said, to see me
To kiss me, to hug me, to love me

You must all be waiting for your little princess
To hold me abreast, wrapped in a beautiful dress
Aah! You cheated me! My own angels!
It never occured to me only a prince rules

The hands that wouldve fed me are colored
With my own blood..
But wasn't I the very same blood, your own part
Not a cancerous growth made to throw apart!

Could there have been a bigger betrayal?
I was a gift I thought, God was answering your payer
It needs to be redefined, this word mother
The one who gives birth could certainly not be a murderer

I was a bud, you could've let me open up into a flower
And given me a chance to see this world
I promise I would've spread fragrance every hour
Had you not crushed me under your power

The Letter....

The print may have faded, the smell is still the same
The ink is still blue, there still is that name
In the same envelope, it still lies with me
The letter that he gave, will now go with me

Each time I read it, it looks as if he's there
Those tiny plump hands holding the pen tight
All his concentration on getting the spellings right
Writing it carefully deep in the night

He gave it on my bday, a letter of love
Of gratitude, of feelings, that a 5-yr old feels
Nothing had ever made me cry before
Unimaginable, the love that the 5-yr old heart conceals

Dearest, most beautiful mumma, I love you so muc
Don't you ever leave me, it says
I have asked God to keep us together
May we live in this house always

His mumma is still in the same house
God did hear that part
A busy manager lives down the street, I barely recognise
That 5-yr old still stays with me, in my heart

As I fold the letter back
I can't help but wonder
Why do children grow up
Why can't they be 5-yr olds forever?

The Killing Wait

I wait for an answer...
An accept or a reject
You go or you don't
It all depends on whom they select

Letting imaginations run loose
I see myself getting enrolled
In the university I so much desire
I would give it my future to mould

You don't get any points for your dreams
The points are for reality, printed in black
The most pinching thing is that the game is fair
It's only talent that will crack

Now that it occurs with me
Do I realise how painful a wait can be
And I swear if I can ever help, I will save evone from the pain
I wont keep anyone waiting for an answer, what can I gain!

My blood pressure rises, and adrenaline gushes to brain
As I imagine what the misterious envelope may contain
Its not a matter of life and death, and yet I keep wondering
What if all this goes in vain?!

In front of a mother where will this agony stand
Who waits for her son to return from war
How much she wants him to be back safe in his own land
What does she feel when she's even deprived the news, good or bad

Could a wife think of anything when the husband is in coma?
The doctors tell her to wait and pray
Wait for a miracle, they say
Could her pain be measured on a scale, mine would be a peice of hay

My agony my pain my wait is all I care about
Once I get selcted, its only MY FUTURE Im concerned about
Lfe is not a bed of roses, the mother must understand
The husband may not ever be back, the wife may wish for a magic wand

lost....

My mind may wander across the spaces
And fly on wings of dreams
Up above the clouds
And beyond the seas

Those are visits I occassionally make
But the mind has to rest and dreams have to break
For it is then that I see peace is where the heart is
And, heart is where love is

Mind may be swept and lost
As a dry leaf in storm
But the heart's needs a nest
To make life cosy and warm

Introspection.....

I had actually created two blogs ealier, I don't even remember the login now. I just got very fed up with orkut. I mean I was spying into people's scrapbooks, intruding their lives. But, we all know orkut SB is like a bulletin board. Anyhow, I AM feeling guilty, and I have wasted all day just viewing scrapbooks and filling up the missing peices to make up stories, and have been wise enough to get tensed over my own made up stories. :) That's me. I like getting tensed and worked up. The more remote my relationship with a person, the more worried I get. because I can't go and tell him or her what I think. huh. Weird I know.

So here I am. To spill out, to vomit, to relieve myself of my many worries. Worries that I tend to adopt, as people adopt children. I can live with many such children. Actually I can't. This tension is causing me health problems. Problems that people my age should not face. But that's life. It is going so fast these days for everyone, we merely get a chance to relax. That reminds me, I have to find a way to keep myself calm and relaxed and focussed. I've been told I should try meditation, but it's yet another worry I can't get up early enough to find time for that. May be its just an excuse. I do find time to put on a little make up if I wish, to fix breakfast at times, then why not this? huh. Ok, I'll try tomorrow morning.

This time around, I do not plan to invite my friends to view my blog and post comments. I would not serve the purpose of a diary then. I yet have to find if blogs who don't receive many visitors get deleted. You know, may be because of not increasing internet traffic and bloggers' popularity. In that case, I will have to invite people. Till then, I can write all that I want, with no inhibitions. WOW. :)