Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Is there such a thing called "made-for"?

Am I made for this type of work or that? Should I have become an architect, or a chef, or a singer, or a painter, or may be a historian? Am I fit to be an engineer? An electrical engineer by degree, a computer engineer by work and none by knowledge. Was I meant to do this techy job or was I meant to do something more creative..

I've asked myself this question a hundred times, and the answer changes with a probability p which is directly proportion to my mood, mom's lectures and inversely proportional to my advisor's mood. I feel I have done something, but when I go to show it, it seems so small and petty and worthless. She asks for aaaaaaa, by the time I get it, it becomes zzzzzzz.

I don't blame her. The fault has to be with me. I never understand what she's asking of me. And I keep going downhill on the self motivation road, until I get tired, and see people all around me moving upwards. Then, I feel may be I am on the wrong track altogether. May be I wasn't meant to take this route. But since I know the sinusoidal curve of my mood is at a crest, whatever I think is half clouded by pessimism.

I sit there for some time, and then realizing I can't go down, I start moving uphill again. But, I still want someone to answer that question for me. I have promised myself that when I reach the top, I will try to find an answer to this question. I need to climb up to the top also, for that is my life's challenge for now. And, I do need to know, in time to be able to do something about it, if there is such a thing as made for, and if I was made for some job, I would really like to find it.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I recently heard or read an advertizement which has been ringing in my ears since. "They say if you do what you like doing, for a living, you do not feel you are working. And (said the ad guy) I have not worked in 24 years!"
And these days, I am thinking how true the statement is! Wisest of wise men must have said this!

I am an electrical engineer by profession, pursuing a masters (!!!!!!!) when I do not like the subject at all (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And, I have to find a job next, the "have to" part is what worries me the most. I am begining a career forcefully.. Is this attitude going to take me too far? Why am I an electrical engg when I hate it so much! And now when I am 26, shouldn't I think about if this actually is what I will like doing all my life? And since I know it's not, shouldn't I start thinking what's best for me and what I must do for a living..

My room-mate and I were discussing why we can't get paid for what we like doing.. like listening to music... like cooking.. like acting.. like singing.. like I donno but something that doesn't rythm with programming

Thursday, January 22, 2009

calendar calendar
move ur butt
im sick n tired now
have to go home jhat pat

i luked at u for ages
n u moved bt a day
wat do u want in turn...
to just do as i say

im thinking wat i cud bribe u with
i know ur days love night..
bt if only i cud make nights come faster
these days wudnt b so much of a pain

i don have nething to give u..
u need to understand my plight
u mustve heard bout the sunrise n sunset in iit
its been 18 months since i got to see tht sight!

n ur brother in India, he hasnt waited for me..
i have to rush back home n see
all the changes that he witnessed n i did not
plz walk faster, plz, do it for me..

back there the streets must be busier,
and the malls, the better
my house got renovated, n i dint evn see a picture
do u think there is anything left that would still recognise me?

oh its been only 18 months! thts not an era!
im sure i havnt missed out on a lot
i hope my things are just the way they were..
atleast i hope..nothing changed tht i called mera

oh i wanna go back..i have my things packed
would dive straight into my moms arms, and hug her tight,
i know we'll be in tears..
and pat! in 3 days, we'll be back to our usual fights!!

plz oh please.. MOVE!
tick your way, to the 7th of feb
im dying to be back..
just how do i prove!

if my looking at u wr to make u go faster,
u wudve crossed the 7th deadline by now
if my begging cud do it, we wud b past 26th i know..
just tell me, what u expect of me..
n bang! ill do it for u honey!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

people must be laughing
when they see me pass by
i'm singing continuously to myself
out aloud...and not a bit shy

i run n stop..then run again..as if playing..
i dance n jump, not worried if neone was seeing..
and once in a while i give myself a hug
wishing it was someone else..feeling snug

ive caught myself smile a hundred times..
n the reason is him..
ive dreamed and planned tons of things
for d life i'll have with him :)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

resisting hard..

We are all so familiar with the Indian arranged marriage ways..and as weird and incredible as few things sound, like liking and trusting someone totally unknown, when it comes to us, when it comes down to picking someone up as a life partner, most of us Indians still can go for it..
I have not been against it, and yet, I never wanted to concede to the fact that my life partner can be picked up at random, by my parents, through matrimonial sites and newspaper ads..I still believed my Mr. Right would come out of the blue someday, we'll bump into each other on a busy shopping mall, get the bags mixed up, and finally starting with the first meeting while returning each other's stuff, we'll end up meeting each other on weekends and then finally, slowly, fall in love. I ain't ashamed to say I had a few crushes in a hurry, just to avoid being caught up in the arranged marriage trap, as it seemed to be..and well, as usual, my crushes were not worth pursuing, and I found myself looking at guys' profiles forwarded by my parents, and rejecting and choosing out of those pretty soon..

I hated to see girls getting excited to talk to someone they've just met once..I've criticized the stupidity of naive girls trying to believe that they have fallen in love with someone their parents chose for them, who they did not know for past 25 yrs and who suddenly seems to be so important..Well, I've also always noticed that whenever I criticize someone for something, I find myself in the same situation soon, repenting what I had said and understanding the situation much better, now that I am in someone else's boots..

I talk to this guy almost everyday on chat, exchange mails, behave like very much the same stupid girls when I see him online, have changed my schedule and am up till late..am practically doing everything I thought atleast I would never do...I am for once in life sure I am not in love, but I do like him..knowing that it is like a big wonderful dream that alice is having again..and all this might be no more than a mirage, a mere reflection of the feelings I have hidden in myself, just enjoying the sudden revelation of so many feelings inside me which I wasn't aware of myself..it's fun to know facets of my own personality....

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

what if

as long as you have the "what ifs", as long as you have the haunting "buts"
you can not go anywhere, you might start off, but be sure you won't get much further

what if this doesn't work, what if this isn't it!
well, may be you are right..may be you are better off without moving, but just staying static at a point u can only get older u will not have any experience or any failures to call your own
even an insect grows old, so will you..your gray hair and those wrinkles is not with any contribution of your own..it's what time did to you..it would have in any case..

unless and until you leave the shores, you will never ever find the pearl. You want it?! You've ought to move your butt, get up, reach out, fight, do everything that it takes..what do you have to loose?! There is nothing that you can call yours, and that you can not do without. Take your chance! Take it this once..and you will not regret it..never!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


i smile nervously at strangers i see, thinking someone might smile back
abandoned by my own people, i'm trying to fill the space for love i lack

i knew an assuring look when i saw those eyes, but no more
i can't believe there was a time when i was so much adored

my life used to be so precious for them, but now, they just don't care
i feel so hopelessly alone and helpless, i'm only living on a prayer

when your most close people choose strangers for you to go to..
is it even worth resisting? Who do you call your own? Whom do you go to?
The world you called your own..is it even worth clinging to?