gotcha!

i've been running all along
before the wind could sing a song
i did run, each time before it could strike
i escaped before it was more than mere "like"

not forever though, the times say
"may u fall for it", i can hear a soft pray
as if i tried playing hide and seek
and am caught finally, can no more play

beyond fear..

This girl wants to talk to me about the last project. And the current one. I have no clue what she will ask and what I must study. Even if I give a few hours to this, I am not sure I would be of much help to her. I can't pray to Bhagwan, as it was my own mistake in not keeping the track of what was going on in class...I've to leave in a few minutes and I'm just going to get crucified. I can't think much, just that I hope it gets over soon. As if it was an operation. But, I still wish I come out of it alive. Please God help me. This one more time, please please please please. I'm just relying on you Ma, you please save me. I know I should not ask You, and should have done some studying myself, but well, here I am again, begging.

Help me Amma.
12:50pm

Huh...I went and was waiting for her to turn up. She came late, about 11 mins late, when I had almost congratulated myself and written a mail to her saying I had waited and left. I had been praying all the while, before I went I had put vibhuti, the one that He has blessed..:)
It all worked for me. For the nth time in life, He saved me. She had a few questions I answered and a few that I did not know, asked Mainak and mailed her back. Man! I was so scared but did not want to show anyone, just wanted to avoid it and run away badly. It's over! God! What an escape! I'm thankful to the core.

Love You tonnes,
My Cutie Pie!

It's my Lord's birthday! :)

My dearest Lord,

Wish you a very very Happy Birthday!!!!

You give me everything I desire for, You surprise me with gifts I never demanded for, You are the provider, You the provided, What can I give You, when all is already Yours. Nothing, absolutely nothing, except may be my thoughts, my words, my actions, my desires, which are essentially Yours, but if I say I give them to You, they might be purified.

I love You tonnes, and have nothing to ask for, For you will give me the unasked, the undesired and still the best. Take care of mom and dad, and my brother, and my friends. May we all be nice people You can be proud to call Your own.

Want to hug you.....
love you lots,
isha

not meant to be?

Somethings in life are just not meant to get associated..they can co-exist, yes, but they just can NOT be together. There are trees that can't co-exist, one would drain away the minerals from earth leading the other to die..there are food stuffs and drinks that just can't be taken together. And then there are people.....

People who are on their own excellent beings, great friends and harmless individuals, but still when they come into each other's vicinity, they repel. Not just repel, the reaction is a strong exothermic one, like one that occurs when sodium and water react. BLAST!! The result would be the same..everytime..you can't expect sodium to dissolve in water..you just know they don't go together. People can be different someone argues..that they have brains and emotions and they adapt. That when we live in a society, it's not about individual properties, but about co-existing, and people do change over time. Sodium for example will never know what falling in love is..and love is something which when happens, makes all logic and reasonings sound dumb. It's beyond explanation, beyond arguments of why and how..it's to be felt and experienced. So may be what is sodium today will become salt tomorrow..to be ready to get mixed in water.

papers and more papers

I don't know where I am going. I look more clueless than anyone else around. And, I have a two yr working exp, if I may say, in Networking. I should then ideally stick to this area and not bother about what my intuition says at times. But, not only intuition, it's also my lack of confidence on any area that is making me wonder that may be I am in the wrong place. May be I don't belong here. Then the logical part of my mind, and my mom's taped discourses from my head, and more on phone, say that I can do it. There's nothing that I won't be able to do with Lord's support all along. (I can actually write more than half a dozen papers on my mom's motivating lectures)

I go to this thesis defense and the guy has more than 35 papers to his credit already and 10 under review!!!!! That too in 3.5 yrs!!!! What kinda average is that?! I mean he has published more than a paper a month!!!!!! Look at me here! And people say you shouldn't compare with others in grad school!!! Such people are there to motivate and inspire others. I'm like awestruck! He's smart I know, but this is a genius's work! I want to go upto that level one day. I may not be able to finish my PhD and MS in 4 yrs and I may not be able to publish those many papers in my grad life but I want to try do something that can make a new grad student look upto me and wanna be like me one fine day.

As fall sets, and leaves get all colored
I can't help but wonder
How in it's last inning of life
The tree still has so much to offer

It can bring a smile on any face
It can light up anyone's day
They are a reason in themselves
To smile and be gay

Does the tree have no fear?
Of nearing it's end
Isn't it nervous! Isn't it aware!
Of what's coming next!

May be it just has a different outlook
Not it's last season, it is its last chance
Last chance to spread love, to spread smiles
To make this world more beautiful, for every glance.

He left hints everywhere, to make me understand
The importance of giving, of loving, of sacrificing
I see Him through the leaves, smiling
Hoping I be what He wants me to be.

Looking Inside again....

I am not sure if I should do this introspection here, on the blog, or not. So, I might erase it soon. Anyway, I want to admit my mistakes. Well, not just mistakes, but real insensitive remarks I made against people who had been very helpful. I did something I would not want anyone to do to me. I am guilty and regretful. But, I can't go and apologize. I only have to make sure I do not do this in future, cause words hurt more than swords and esp. when coming from someone you thought was a friend. It feels you were cheated all along.

I was not very close to these people, but then they really helped me a lot initially. Just feeling that gratitude I should have restrained myself from saying anything against him. I mean, I will not go into what I said was right or wrong, but I should have had some firewall. I can't let all data that is generated in mind pass through my lips without any filter! When the same thing happened with me, I felt like crying. And, I felt horrible, sad and yes cheated. I felt in the disguise of a friend I had been talking to a monster all along. Well, when I did that, he must've felt the same. So, I just got what I myself had passed along as the token.

It;s only fair I would say that I was insulted the way I was. I'm not going into the severity of what I said and what I was told, but in essence, it's the same thing. God wants me to learn a lesson here. And, if I do not stop for a second and pay thought to it, I can keep repeating the same thing. I'm not a teenager! I'm a 24 yr old girl, who knows how life is led, who can manage a lot of things herself, then why can't she manage her words! Why can't she keep a hold on that tongue? It's worse than any other weapon. I just have to realize this.

Thanks God, for teaching me a lesson. I will keep in mind that You only wanted me to learn something here. I do not think lowly of that guy who was made instrumental in giving me something that I deserved. I do not hold anything against him, I will try not to I mean.

Love to my Lord,
Isha